I hadn’t realized how truly lonely I was until I met Penny.īut in a way, Penny’s presence also revealed to me how profoundly precarious it truly is for women like us in a place like Sing Sing-a truth too painful to think about while alone.
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In prison, I’ve learned how to mind my own business. You have to watch your back in prison, but you can’t be afraid of everyone: You need allies and friends too. I introduced her to the copacetic people on our tier and tried to help her be less afraid. I showed her how to hang a curtain across her cell bars for privacy while changing. It didn’t matter how Penny understood herself, or even how she had been classified by the NYC Department of Correction: She awaited DOCCS’s pronouncement on her womanhood in a men’s maximum-security prison. Upon sentencing, the New York State Department of Corrections and Community Supervision (DOCCS) undertakes its own invasive, humiliating, and violating scrutiny of trans people’s genders, mostly resulting in refusals to grant trans women’s requests to be placed in women’s prisons. Singer Center, the women’s jail on Rikers Island. Penny had vast knowledge of being trans behind bars, but her experience had mostly been at the Rose M. I feel like I’m living in two prisons all the time: this physical prison and a psychological one. Being around Penny allowed me to be more open with my feminine and girly self, a self I had kept closely guarded, a self I had been only alone but now could be with someone else, not a lonely secret anymore but a shared one. I was stunned: I thought DD40 was a product code, not a size designation. “Don’t you know these aren’t your size?” she giggled, as she held the bra up to my small chest. She laughed the first time I showed her the bras I’d been issued by the prison, sized DD40. She showed me the ropes, so to speak, as far as being trans goes. Until Penny materialized in my life, I could admire other women only from afar.
Although I had known from a distance that there were other women like me in here, Penny was the first trans woman I’d ever truly gotten to know. I dream of being a woman.Ībout a year ago, for the first time in my more than three decades of incarceration in maximum-security prisons, another trans woman appeared on my gallery. I dream of being able to dress as I am, in women’s attire, quality makeup, nice wigs, miniskirts, and stilettos. I dream of stretching out my limbs and taking a few huge gulps of air, gently running my hand against a tree and feeling the nourishing bark. Lying in my cell at Sing Sing Correctional Facility after lights out, relaxing my body and mind to prepare for sleep, I dream about freedom.
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